What’s attractive? You decide.

You ever get made fun of for who you’re attracted to? Unless you’re the type that is obsessed only with dudes like Channing Tatum and Luke Bryan, I’m sure the answer is yes. My opinions on guys are constantly laughed at, and I suppose I do have weird taste, but what exactly is weird? Where is the line? Paul Rudd is weird but, as Billy on the Street proved, almost everyone on the street would have sex with Paul for one dollar, (some even for free). I would. Paul Rudd is fucking awesome and hilarious, which makes him sexy as well. But then I say something about being attracted to Jason Segel or Chris Kattan and everyone gets all weird; why?

First of all, I think weird or funny people are attracted to other weird and funny people. Channing Tatum- not very funny. Yes, you could argue that he held a stable part in 21 Jump Street, but was he hilarious? Without Jonah Hill, would the movie have been as funny? No. Therefore, more average people are attracted to him, (average being the multitude, not with negative connotations). I’ll say it, I’m a weird chick. I make ridiculous noises in public, freestyle rap about buttholes at home with my keyboard drum track. You know, normal stuff. Anyhow, I’m attracted to weird dudes. Weird dudes are fucking hot! Admit it. You know you’re thinking it. By the way, if you are a weird dude who is reading this, you’re hot. There is a woman out there, (possibly me, who knows), who thinks you are as hot as the bottom of my laptop after watching Nirvana videos all day. To get back on track though, oddity is a gem. There are so many people who are too afraid of breaking the mold or of being judged that never do anything “unaccepted”. That is such crap! If you feel an urge to do things, (this DOES NOT apply to pedophilia, by the way), you should fucking do them. The other day I felt like flinging a peach slice across the cafeteria, so I did. And it felt good, it felt right. I want guys who do that kind of thing, and that will find it humorous when I do that kind of thing.

Everyone has their own idea of what is attractive and what isn’t, and I think we should all respect that. For every person in the world, there is another person that is attracted to them. At least one. I fully believe that, without a doubt. Not to sound cheesy, but every person is beautiful in their own way. Don’t sneer, it’s completely true! Next time you regard someone as ugly, really look at them. Maybe they have a cute laugh, maybe the way the walk is neat, maybe they have a fantastic sense of humor. No person is truly ugly. That doesn’t exist. All the smartasses of my generation would be busy pulling up pictures on their phone right now, saying,*insert overly moronic man voice*, “So you think this guy is cute? You’d fuck this guy? Huuuuh?” Maybe I would, and it isn’t any of your business. Attraction is completely subjective to each and every human. I don’t know why we are attracted to who we are. Sometimes it makes complete sense. I’m attracted to 90s Dave Grohl, (actually Dave Grohl at any age), because he had long hair, clean shaven face, and he was a rocker. To break it down even further, I like long hair on guys because it shows a degree of rebellion and no fear of androgyny. I like a clean shaven face because beards are prickly on your face when you kiss, and food gets stuck in them. Nasty. And, I like rockers because rock is my most favorite kind of music. When people have major musical talent, I just can’t help it, it makes me want to make out with them.

I definitely digressed a lot during this entry, which I don’t apologize for. I find it incredibly interesting to discuss attraction, and I can’t help but add in my own opinions for example. Key point: If you’ve ever been put down because of your view on attraction, don’t take it seriously. There is somebody for everybody. All our tastes differ, and it would be a spectacularly dull world if we all had the same ideas on beauty.

Hopeful yet hopeless: an exposure of jumbled thoughts.

I am a creative person, and I want nothing more than to create. Often in my life I feel trapped, caged, opportunity-less. This hinders me greatly, yet I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve realized that what I really want to do, what I am passionate about, is comedy writing. I’ve always loved writing, and it seems such a thrill to write comedy. I love comedy, the rawness of it, the blurred boundaries of what you can and cannot do. It’s fantastic. I would also love to work for or create a magazine, because I find them a very intriguing way to convey knowledge. I would also love to produce music, or take professional art photographs.

These are all things that real people do, every day. All things that real live people can excel at, and I want to excel at them too. I don’t believe it’s really logical to think that I could, but that’s the caged bird speaking. I have so many ideas, but I have no clue how to let them out. I so badly want to be a part of the living world yet I am held back. I find myself having rather extroverted thoughts and wishes but when it comes to particpating and performing I get stuck in my introverted reality: I am just not a go-getter.

Now, I do realize that I am only seventeen, which is, (in the grand scheme of things), rather young to be so worried about this. To me though, it is so real. I’ve wanted to get out there and do things since I was just a child. I’ve always thrown together performances in front of family throughout my childhood and adolescence, rather it be a Cheetah Girls sing along or a western skit with crazy wigs. I have this great hunger for action that comes along with a cripple in exhibition. While I am aware of this handicap, I cannot seem to fix it. I get so very inspired by so many things in the world that it’s crazy and beautiful at the same time. I want to do everything. I feel like I am wasting life during what many older people refer to as their “golden years”. Well golden years, my ass. My teenage years have been the worst of my life, with of course some great times scattered within. I know that my experience is not unlike many others. I find myself being drup down by toxic people way too much to override the good times. I realize that with saying that I should be looking at how to change myself so that they cannot do that, but it’s more difficult than it seems. Believe me, I am trying. How can I tell my mother, you’re mentally abusive and too much and I need you to take a step backward and away from my life? That is surely to cause a fire I am not ready to attempt to fight, yet the sparks have been flying for years. I’m tired of feeling the burns.

Some of the trapped feeling comes from this tug of war between confidence and naivety. Sometimes I believe I can do things, but then I am afraid that I”m just being naive to think that I can do something. I fear being thought a fool. Because of many things, most of the time I feel like I am not good enough. My mother and collective peers make me feel less than superior, and it’s hard to hold yourself up when you are being constantly kicked down. Everything seems to come back to me not being a strong enough person, because even though they are doing bad things to me the problem is that I am not strong enough to handle it and not using the right tactics. Which makes me want to cry, because it seems like such bullshit. I’m trying so hard to be my own person but I am so easily swayed into thinking that I am in the wrong, I am a shitty person. It shouldn’t get to me so bad because I know that the people who really know me, the people who really matter in my life, believe I am great. My dad, brother, grandparents, my aunt and twin cousins, best friend Marissa. They all love me deeply and support and encourage me, appreciate me. And it feels great, but I can never fully believe it. It’s hard when you don’t feel the same about yourself.

I didn’t write this with the intent on blogging, I wrote it with the intent of organizing my thoughts to help me from going insane. I logged on to write an email to my therapist and saw emails notifying me that people, (real live HUMAN BEINGS!), had commented on a blog that I’d forgotten had been created, and was inspired to add this. It’s more raw and exposed than anything I’ve ever put out into the internet, which scares and thrills me at the same time. Thank you for the minutes of your life spent reading this, and if you care to continue reading my musings, I can promise you the next will be more upbeat.

Sound the trumpets! It’s my first blog.

Hello.

I have never started a blog before, and I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

I suppose I could start with some information about myself. I am seventeen years old, and of the female gender. I enjoy comedy, occasional blaspheme, food, music, and thought. I live in a tiny shitty town full of narrow-minded scumbags. In my mind I am very ambitious, but in life I often lack motivation. As my URL may show you, lasagna, television, and rock music are three of my loves. Another of my loves is Jimmy Fallon. If you love these things, I probably love you. I like simple and old fashioned things, and the direction that the world seems to be going in saddens me. My generation sucks. New music is disposable, (grunge is NOT dead!). I’m not sure how to end this, so…

PUT THE LOTION IN THE FUCKING BASKET.